aqua fortis

Thursday, October 14, 2004

There's No "W" in "Government"

...Just like there's no "i" in "teamwork." Yep, it's my contention that government with W would be "governmentw," and that just plain makes no sense.

This is why I'm considering a plan to make my house a W-Free Zone. (That's a Dub-Free Zone, not a Drug-Free Zone. Can't make any promises there--I needs my Tylenol PM. Diphenhydramine in the houuuuse!) A W-Free household would mean that every time George W. Bush appeared on the television, someone would be required to change the channel. Any newspapers printing his name or photograph would be immediately disposed of in the proper receptacle. Sample ballots would be allowed, but any offending sections would be censored with a black marker. Anyone speaking the forbidden name would be summarily ejected.

But that's just the beginning. In the ultimate W-Free Zone, you won't even be able to refer to the letter "W." If you are unlucky enough to possess a name that begins with "W," you will be required to adopt a new one at the door--William can become Bill, and Winona could be, oh, Jane or something. Of course, this would play hell with my novel, which has a character named Wendy. I also won't be able to do any journalistic writing because the five W's will be strictly verboten.

In addition, in our newly W-Free Zone we will no longer be able to wash the windows, only to cleanse the panes. The W-Free Zone will also have to be a gluten-free zone, because wheat, beginning with W, would not be allowed. And perhaps most poignant (or perhaps it's simply utter nonsense), in the W-Free Zone there would be no we, only us.

Maybe not. Maybe it's ridiculous to think that at a politically charged time like this, I can completely free myself from W--either the letter or the individual. It's a crazy idea. It'll never see the light of day, but will remain in this blog, buried deeper than a covered-up political scandal. So in tribute, the rest of this paragraph will be a W-Free Zone. I shan't type another utterance containing the offending letter.

One more thing: Find out who novelists are voting for (Thanks, Jennifer!)


Anonymous said...

I knew a girl named Winona who called herself Noni. Scary, but hey, it'd be W-free...