aqua fortis

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Where Is My Motivation?

There are days--too many of them--when I find it very hard to get motivated to do anything at all, except sit there and maybe read or fill my brain with mindless television. Today I feel like that.

Those days, I remember glimpses of what it felt like--almost ten years ago now, hard as that is to believe--to be caught in the mire of depression. A web of thoughts that tangle and catch, around and around, over and over, until you don't want to think anything anymore. I remember lying on the bed in my studio apartment, staring at the wall because that was all I really felt like doing. I remember studying really hard, because it kept my mind off things and seemed like my only outlet. There are a few weeks of the summer of '96 that I don't remember, because I was prescribed Ativan three times a day. I met Rob that fall, which I think did more for me than anything else--antidepressants, therapy, whatever--in getting me out of that mind state.

Every once in a while, when I have those glimpses of memory (though I did my best in the years since to kill those particular brain cells with beer and such), I get scared that it will happen again. That this is only the beginning of months, even years, of everything feeling gray and pointless. On those days, all I can do is hope that it isn't.


TadMack said...

The work of the artist is often the scariest because only sometimes do you have something to "show" for it. It's the eternal freak-out: when does the well of creativity run dry for good? Keeping the pump primed for me includes going to conferences and/or getting together with the like-minded, which is why I keep beating the sometimes dead horse of ye olde writing groupe... I'm so thankful for the aquafortis chick in the trench next door... Don't you worry - I'll kick your butt if you'll kick mine.